THIS WEEK IN SNARK!

Taking the dumbest stories of the week and manipulating them for our enjoyment.

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Clinton Wins Earl Wayne Macintyre

MACINTYRELAND - Hillary Clinton defeated Barack Obama by one vote in the Macintyreland Democratic presidential caucuses Saturday. The count of the one ballot cast took only seconds, though the mandatory recount, due to the slim margin of victory, went into the wee hours of the morning.

Neither candidate campaigned in Macintyreland, the sole resident of which is a member of the Michigan Militia who has declared himself his own state, though it is widely guessed that Clinton's childhood stories of learning to shoot likely won over Mr. Macintyre.

Asked about her victory over Obama, Clinton yelled "We obliterated him!"  The Obama campaign issued a statement Saturday night promising that he would "continue to champion the issues facing Earl Wayne Macintyre."  

Mr. Macintyre, the state's delegate, will be in Denver later this year, yet it is expected that he will be unwilling to part with his arsenal, as would be required to gain entrance to the nominating convention.  Macintyre is in talks with the DNC to appear in a speaking role, via satellite from the nearby Holiday Inn.

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McCain: No Blood For Rugs!

PHOENIX - In response to a question at a town hall meeting last Friday, about a US military presence in the Middle East, Republican John McCain said something that raised more than a few eyebrows.

"My friends, I will have flooring policy that we will be talking about, which will eliminate our dependence on fancy rugs from Iran that will prevent us from having ever to send our young men and women into conflict again in Iran, or to support coups to ensure our floors are properly insulated," McCain said.

This didn't go over well with a generally friendly crowd and, while it was largely assumed this cold reaction was due to an unwillingness to admit our actions in Iran have been due to a rug shortage, several key Republicans admitted, off the record, that they were, in fact, disappointed that McCain is caving in to the hardwood flooring and linoleum lobbies.

The expected GOP nominee sought to clarify his comments later, after his campaign plane landed in Phoenix. He said he didn't mean the U.S. is planning to invade Iran for pretty rugs.

"No, no, I was talking about that we had supported the Shah for rugs," McCain told reporters.  "Iran had this really nice red dye, back then...it was great!"

When told that Iran had gone to the United Nations to protest his comments, McCain responded with "those Sunnis drive me nuts!"